Howdy friend, I’m so glad you could make it today. How about that Walter, huh? 100 years old but he still acts like a kid, I swear. No twinges in his hinges. His great granddaughters took him bungee jumping yesterday, can you believe it? So let me introduce you to some of the folks here.

That fellow over there manning ham is Roger Hamels. He’s a neighbor that lives over on 48th. He own Hamels Hardware and Party Supply. He donated the balloons and streamers. And that large lady with the beehive is his wife Hilda. She sings like angel in the choir at the church. Everyone holds their breath when Hilda Hamels sings.

That sloppy looking fellow over by the birthday cake is Walter’s troublemaking grandson, Jason. He likes stealing things and lying to everyone, and spent some time in jail. He’s got tattoos. I would avoid him if I were you, and be careful about leaving your purse unattended.

You know Father Harry of course. We invited him to say a few words and lead us in grace. He even blessed the birthday cake, so make sure you get a piece later.

That sad looking woman on the couch is Walter’s daughter Annabelle. She’s quite the alcoholic, I tell you. I’d be careful around her if I were you. Don’t engage her in conversation unless you want to be dragged down into a dark pit of despair. She’s really a  negative Nancy, I tell you what. Always complaining about her kids and her ex and her ex ex and just about everything else. Avoid her if you can, and whatever you do don’t make eye contact.

You see those three darling little girls on the deck next to Walter, those are the great granddaughters that took him bungee jumping. Jennifer, Jill, and Janet I think. Aren’t they just adorable? Cheerleaders all, and dancers. They want to try out for America’s Got Talent. They’re very talented, and I think they could win.

Do you need something to drink? Some wine, soda, water perhaps? Are you hungry? Help yourself to whatever you need. You got here just in time, too, we’re going to sing to Walter soon. I still need to finish putting 100 candles on the cake and lighting them. Walter insisted he wanted all 100 candles on there, and I tell you what, you need a pretty big cake to fit 100 candles.

Oh jeez, will you look at that Jason running his finger into the cake frosting. Was he raised in a barn? What kind of person starts licking the frosting off their grandfather’s birthday cake? My word. Well excuse me please, I need to teach that boy some manners.

Please, have something to drink.

Birthday candles (by moonlightbulb)